by Greater Good Magazine | Jun 28, 2023 | Reflections
By VICKI ZAKRZEWSKI | Greater Good Magazine
Research suggests that spirituality may be a natural developmental process—so what does this mean for secular schools?
“I believe in reincarnation because it just makes sense!” exclaimed 10-year-old Jesse in the middle of a lesson that was on anything but reincarnation.
This wasn’t the first time one of my students had brought up a topic related to spirituality or religion. In fact, I found during my years of teaching that most of my students were both curious about and eager to discuss these subjects—a bit of a conundrum when schools generally consider these to be taboo subjects.
Interestingly, however, scientists are beginning to find that just like cognitive, physical, and emotional development, spirituality may also be a universal developmental process—which, given that teaching is informed by child development, raises the question: Can spirituality play a role in secular education?
What is spirituality?
Before I go any further, though, I want to fully acknowledge how divisive and tricky the topic of spirituality in education can be for very legitimate reasons. That is why I am approaching the subject through a scientific lens.
© princigalliTo start, there is no definitive agreement among researchers on the separation between spirituality and religiosity. In general, however, spirituality is viewed as beliefs, practices, and experiences that shape and create a way of knowing and living that may or may not be informed by religious ritual, tradition, and doctrine. A person often inherits religion, but makes the conscious choice to practice spirituality by seeking answers about the self, universe, and meaning of life.
While numerous scientists propose that spirituality is a developmental process, they disagree on how the process occurs. Some suggest we are born with spiritual capacity that is cultivated (or not) through interaction with parents, teachers, and/or our culture. Others think spiritual development occurs in stages as we integrate our beliefs with our feelings and actions.
To determine if there is a universal developmental process of spirituality, the Search Institute—led at the time by Peter Benson, an expert in positive youth development—collaborated with scientists from around the world to study the spiritual and religious beliefs and practices of young people. The Search Institute took their definition of spirituality from a paper published in 2003 by the journal Applied Developmental Science:
Spiritual development is the process of growing the intrinsic human capacity for self-transcendence, in which the self is embedded in something greater than itself, including the sacred. It is the developmental “engine” that propels the search for connectedness, meaning, purpose, and contribution. It is shaped both within and outside of religious traditions, beliefs, and practices.
Almost 7,000 persons aged 12-25 from Australia, Cameroon, Canada, India, Thailand, Ukraine, the U.K., and the U.S. took part in the study that included surveys, focus groups, and in-depth interviews. The sample represented a broad range of educational and socioeconomic backgrounds, and every major religion as well as Paganism, Sikhism, Native or Traditional Spirituality, atheism, agnosticism, other religions, and those who did not identify as religious.
What they found strongly suggests that a spiritual development process exists that transcends the boundaries of culture and religion and that does not necessarily require engagement in religious practices.
For example, approximately 64 percent of the sample indicated that they were actively pursuing spiritual development without strong adherence to a religious path—with more than half stating that they had grown in their spiritual identity in the last two years. Their main means for spiritual growth included creating positive relationships through prosocial (kind, helpful) beliefs and actions, discovering meaning in life, practicing mindfulness, and aligning values with actions.
Findings also suggested that the majority of young people would welcome the opportunity to explore the topic of spirituality in a safe, caring, and non-judgmental setting.
What does this mean for teaching?
Many consider the sole purpose of schools to be cognitive development. Yet, any effective teacher will tell you that every student is a “whole package” of thoughts, emotions, beliefs, family, culture, economics, etc., (and now, potentially, spirituality)—all of which directly influence a student’s learning. For example, science has clearly determined that a child’s social and emotional skills impact academic success.
So here comes the tricky question: If spirituality is indeed a universal developmental process, how do teachers account for this process in their classroom where separation of church and state is paramount? Interestingly, many teachers are probably already doing it—without even realizing it.
If we use the definition of spiritual development given above, then teachers who…
- provide experiences of awe for their students through art, music, nature, or studying great people are helping their students connect to something larger than themselves.
- teach prosocial skills such as gratitude, compassion, empathy, mindfulness, and altruism are helping their students develop positive relationships.
- relate the content of their classes to students’ lives and who take the time to get to know and cultivate their students’ interests and passions are helping their students develop meaning and purpose.
- incorporate service learning into their curriculum are providing opportunities for students to make a worthwhile contribution to society and grow their empathy and compassion for others.
How to talk about spirituality with students
But what about the finding that says young people are deeply interested in discussing spirituality? When students do bring these topics up, understanding that spirituality may be developmental can help teachers respond in ways that are both respectful and affirming to students’ growth process.
© marekuliaszFor example, a simple response to Jesse’s newfound belief could include first asking him how he came to that conclusion and then validating his thinking about the larger questions of life as a positive and natural thing many people do.
A more formal example is the Passageworks program developed by the late Rachael Kessler. After years of listening to students’ stories and questions, Kessler wrote in her book The Soul of Education that “certain experiences—quite apart from religious belief or affiliation—had a powerful effect in nourishing the spiritual development of young people.”
These experiences came through students’ needs for connection, silence, meaning, joy, transcendence (sometimes mystical, but also through extraordinary arts, athletics, academics, or relationships), and initiation into the next stage of life. Passageworks helps teachers establish a classroom environment in which students feel safe to explore these needs.
Spirituality in education is a potentially contentious area, and yet recent scientific findings on spiritual development encourage us, at the very minimum, to ask the question: Do we need to pay attention to this? Perhaps it is apropos of the topic that there are no definitive answers—only big questions.
by Greater Good Magazine | Jun 28, 2023 | Reflections
By ELIZABETH SVOBODA | Greater Good Magazine
A new study finds that when you’re warm and accepting of yourself, those feelings may extend to other people, too.
Launched into public awareness by the psychologist Kristin Neff, the practice of self-compassion has emerged as a proven way to boost well-being and resilience amid life’s challenges. “With self-compassion,” Neff writes, “we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.”
A new Rutgers University study suggests that self-compassion has another, counterintuitive benefit: It helps you to become more accepting of other people who are not like you. Being kind to yourself, the study reports, can broaden your tolerance of others—so long as your self-compassion is rooted in “common humanity,” a belief that life’s joys and struggles are part of the shared human condition.
“People who are viewing themselves and their failures and their suffering as normal parts of human experience are more likely to have compassion for others,” says H. Annie Vu, a psychology graduate student at Rutgers and lead author of the study. “That is linked with less prejudice.” She aims to develop training programs that foster people’s sense of common humanity, which she hopes will deepen their compassion for themselves and others—and, as a result, promote social acceptance.
Self-kindness that reflects outward
Self-compassion, the quality Vu explored in her study, is distinct from self-esteem. Self-esteem involves how you answer the question “How much do I like myself?,” and it often crumbles when others criticize you. But self-compassion is a form of self-regard that persists no matter what others are saying. It means accepting yourself even when you fumble or fail.
As Neff defines it, self-compassion has three major components: mindfulness, awareness of your own feelings and thoughts; self-kindness, a commitment to caring for yourself in tough times; and common humanity, a sense that everyone experiences highs and lows in life just like you.
Vu’s study looked at how different components of self-compassion related to people’s attitudes toward others. The study’s 163 student participants took Neff’s 26-item survey to assess their self-compassion, including statements like, “When I’m down, I remind myself that there are lots of other people in the world feeling like I am.” The students also took a self-esteem survey and a test that evaluated their feelings about “outgroups” often marginalized by society, such as unhoused people or members of minority groups.
The analysis by Vu’s team found that people’s self-esteem did not meaningfully predict how they felt about outgroup members. Self-compassion, on the other hand, did—but it was people with greater feelings of common humanity, not self-kindness or mindfulness, who were more accepting of others not like them.
While self-kindness and mindfulness involve more of a focus on yourself and your emotions, common humanity “involves perception of others, and that connectedness between self and others,” Vu says. “That explains why it’s the only self-compassion component that is associated with low prejudice.”
Common humanity, in other words, helps you assess your own experiences against the failures and triumphs shared by everyone else on the planet. When you do that kind of comparison, it may be harder to look down on those different from you, because you’re focused on what unites you rather than what sets you apart. A sense of common humanity may also make your self-compassion more durable, because when you understand how your struggles reflect the shared human experience, it’s less tempting to blame yourself for them.
A 2018 study by Italian researchers had also found that self-compassionate people were more accepting of others, but Vu’s study goes further, showing that this connection holds up independent of people’s self-esteem. (Previous research has shown that people with high “me first” self-esteem are sometimes less accepting of people different from them.)
Vu’s finding also builds on reports from political scientist Kristen Renwick Monroe, who found that what set Holocaust rescuers apart from peers was their strong sense of common humanity. Even if (as was often the case) rescuers came from a different background or culture than the people they were helping, they recognized just how similar they were to those being persecuted, which motivated them to act.
Underscoring what connects us
Vu’s study is among the first to combine what have long been two distinct branches of research: studies on how people feel about themselves, and studies on how they perceive members of other groups. Through further study of how inner states affect outer attitudes, Vu and her Rutgers colleagues hope to create training programs that build up people’s sense of common humanity—and thereby broaden their acceptance of others.
Such programs could reinforce existing efforts to protect marginalized people’s rights and dignity, notes Rutgers psychologist Luis Rivera, Vu’s graduate advisor and a coauthor of the study.
“We’ve already seen historically how changing structures, laws, policies, et cetera, can lead to changes in prejudices. But what Annie’s work also suggests is that you can turn back to the individual,” Rivera says. “That could be another opportunity, complementing structural-level interventions with individual-level interventions.”
Developing and testing these educational programs could take years, Vu says. Yet people can start now to shift their focus toward what links them to all humanity—and observe the real-world benefits for themselves.
“The more you realize you are connected to other humans—and that other humans are humans—the more you’re able to regard them with dignity and respect,” says social worker and empathy educator Kristen Donnelly, founder of the Abbey Research firm. “The work of understanding your humanity is deeply connected to the work of understanding our connectedness. Difference is not a threat, but an opportunity.”
by Greater Good Magazine | Jun 28, 2023 | Reflections
By VICKI ZAKRZEWSKI | Greater Good Magazine
Providing space for young people to explore their spirituality may benefit everyone.
As a human family, we’re asking ourselves some big questions in the face of social, political, and technological change: How can we honor the innate dignity and worth of ourselves and each other? How can we overcome selfishness and the isolation and conflict it breeds, and connect to each other through kindness, understanding, and generosity? How can we overcome this chaos and create a healthier and more harmonious planet?
While we adults can’t necessarily give our youth the answers, we can provide the space for spiritual inquiry and development, which research suggests may help buffer them against the mental challenges they face. Let’s take a look at what spirituality is, why it can be good for young people, and how to cultivate it in secular education.
What is spirituality?
This is the million-dollar question for many people. Indigenous scholars argue that spirituality within their cultures is “as fundamental to being alive as the air we breathe.” In general, Western scientists differentiate organized religious practices from the inner drive for three things that they suggest constitute spirituality:
- cultivating a sense of connection and belonging, including to something larger than oneself;
- developing awareness of the self and the world; and
- living a meaningful life.
So are these three things innate to who we are? A number of researchers from a variety of disciplines—such as genetics, psychology, biology, and cognitive science—suggest that the answer is yes.
For example, spirituality may be found in our genes. A study of several thousand twins showed that 29% of spirituality (in this case, a sense of personal devotion) is genetic. While this is an exciting finding, some researchers argue that twin studies are not generalizable to everyone. For that, we need to look to evolutionary psychology, which, for several decades, has been examining our innate capacity for positive emotions to form deep connections—an aspect of spirituality.
Hardwired emotions such as gratitude, compassion, and awe—which some researchers label as spiritual—make us feel more connected to others, and awe goes one step further by helping us feel a sense of self-transcendence, or connection to something larger than ourselves. Evolutionary scientists argue that these feelings of connection encourage generosity and helpfulness, which may have helped our ancestors to survive and reproduce.
In addition to our emotions and our genes, spirituality may also be found in the ways we see and think about the world. Cognitive psychologists have conducted experiments that demonstrate our natural capacity for spirituality starting from infancy as we develop our awareness of ourselves, others, and “something beyond the immediate everyday of life.”
For instance, scientists have found that children and adults, atheists and religious believers, and even well-trained scientists at Ivy League institutions look for design and purpose in the world—in other words, the “meaning and why” of things—even though how we do so may differ by culture. Westerners often attribute the design and purpose of nature-based objects to a single source—that is, belief in God/gods or conscious life within the natural world. Some Indigenous cultures look at these same objects through a relational lens; for example, birds have homes in trees that help protect the trees from harmful insects and that help to disperse the seeds for additional trees.
Some scientists take this research one step further by asking why, regardless of culture, we look for the “why,” and they have discovered that it may be because of our deep-seated need for meaning in the face of our inevitable mortality.
These findings make a strong case that spirituality is part of the fiber of our being. We are wired to question who we are, our place in the world, and the meaning of it all. We are also wired to connect deeply with others and with something that is greater than our little selves. So what does this mean for our youth?
Young people are interested in spirituality
In the early 2000s, researchers reached out to thousands of young people ages 12–25 from all over the world, wanting to know what they thought about spirituality and how it manifests in their lives, and whether spirituality was something they were interested in cultivating. The participants came from many different religious and non-religious backgrounds, such as Islam, Hindu, Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, and others.
Using surveys and focus groups, the researchers discovered that most of the young people felt that life has a spiritual aspect that is “a part of who you are.” As one youth from South America described, “I believe that every person has some spirituality within themselves because they believe in something, whatever it is they believe in.”
Most saw themselves as spiritual, and also believed in the transcendent. In addition, they tended to separate spirituality from religion. “Spirituality is experienced in your own being,” said one youth from Africa. “Most of religion is forced. Being spiritual means standing on a mountain with the wind blowing through your hair, and the feeling of being free.”
They also viewed spiritual development as a choice. A young person from South Africa stated that if a person isn’t spiritual, they won’t struggle with things and ask why things happen to us. “If you are not spiritual,” they explained, “you will never learn anything . . . [this] goes together with wisdom . . . you have to reflect on what’s happening to you.”
Perhaps most importantly, the youth wanted opportunities to talk about spirituality—but they wanted to do so in a safe place, without the fear of being judged. Another researcher and head of school, Kai Bynum, found something similar when working with teen boys. In his study, he described how when one of the boys used the word “spiritual” to describe his relationship to other people and to nature, other boys quickly volunteered to share their thoughts about spirituality.
“Their eyes and ideas were alive with promise and connection because,” Bynum writes, “they were, somehow, given the freedom to seek themselves within an idea that helped them situate their lives in a much broader context of existence.”
The benefits of spirituality in youth
Perhaps the most compelling reason for providing space for the spiritual development of our young people is how they benefit from it.
In the same study with the youth from all over the world, the researchers discovered that young people with high levels of spiritual development fared better physically and mentally, were more civically engaged, had greater academic success, and were overall more satisfied with life. They also took care of the environment, looked for peaceful ways to resolve conflict, volunteered more, and were more engaged in school.
Other cross-cultural studies have had similar findings. In Portugal, a study of 10th-grade students found that the more hopeful and spiritual they were, the greater their life satisfaction up to one year later. In Zambia, spirituality also predicted children’s life satisfaction. Among sixth-grade Black American youth living in an urban setting, having a spiritual orientation to life increased their focus on cooperation, empathy, and justice. And in a study with Latino teens in a poor, urban neighborhood, high levels of spirituality protected them from depression and post-traumatic stress disorder resulting from exposure to violence.
Interestingly, scientists have also found that more spiritual adolescents may also be more depressed. They surmise that because adolescence is a time of searching for identity, for meaning, for the “why” of life, not having concrete answers may also leave some youth with a sense of uncertainty that is challenging to navigate.
However, researchers suggest that having a strong sense of spirituality in adolescence may provide mental health protection in the long run.
What does this mean for education?
Spiritual development is a conundrum for many educators. They see the need and value of it, but think their hands are tied to do anything, especially in countries that separate church and state. I’ve asked a number of both private and public school educators how they do it. Many of them say, “I don’t call it spirituality, but I know that’s what I’m doing.” They suggest a few steps to take.
1. Help your students develop a relational consciousness. In other words, provide opportunities for them to develop deeper connections with themselves, their peers, and life itself. In a study across 15 countries, over 3,000 students from various religious and non-religious backgrounds were taught a curriculum with topics such as identifying and maintaining meaningful relationships, locating oneself in the context of the larger universe, and understanding unconditional love—namely, relational consciousness. Students who received this training (in comparison to those who didn’t) showed increased altruistic behavior.
Amy Chapman is executive director of the Collaborative for Spirituality in Education. In a 2021 paper, she and her coauthors explain that these kinds of deeper connections are similar to what physicist Martin Buber meant when he described an “I-Thou” relationship. “Each person recognizes and supports each person’s wholeness. It affirms the inherent value of the self.”
To illustrate this, the study includes a school in which the staff intentionally recognize the innate goodness in every student. Teachers describe a “look” that is affirming and joyful to students. As one educator explained, “That deeper way of beholding the student, I feel like they’re seen into existence.”
2. Bring the bigger questions of life into the classroom. When the purpose of education is reduced to college and career readiness, as is often the case in the U.S., the human experience is reduced to grades and money. Yes, we need to have the skills to support ourselves, but life is about so much more than that. Students already know this—perhaps more so than the adults who are just trying to survive day-to-day living.
This is why they ask the big questions. Who am I? What is my purpose? Does life have meaning? What is happiness? What is real love? And so on…and these big questions can be asked in any subject, even math. What is infinity? Is our universe truly just chaos and chance, or is there a mathematical beauty to it all? The Greater Good in Education practice Finishing Math Word Problems based on the work of Jamal Matthews has students “finish” math problems by making connections between solutions to problems to thinking about the larger systemic implications of the solution.
And for teachers who are still skeptical, neuroscientist Mary-Helen Immordino-Yang and her coauthors argue that abstract systemic-thinking that is emotionally meaningful to students actually helps them build their brains. This kind of transcendent thinking engages a part of the brain called the default mode network (DMN), or the posteromedial cortices, that involves activities such as thinking about values-based goals, constructing a sense of self, admiring others for their virtuous behavior, and “processing sacred values.” Scientists propose that when students link concrete goals, like getting into veterinarian school, to more transcendent ones, like becoming a vet to make the world safer for animals, the process may strengthen the connection between the reward system of the brain and the abstract thinking system.
3. Encourage a self-transcendent purpose for learning. Think back to the academic topics that were just sheer drudgery to learn. You didn’t know why you had to learn this or how it could possibly be relevant to any aspect of your current or future life. You just knew you had to get through it…with a lot of pain. Apologies to all math teachers, this was geometrical proofs for me.
Imagine, though, if before introducing a topic, your teacher asked you about what was important to you, and how you thought you could best make a difference in the world. In other words, helped you think of a self-transcendent purpose for learning. All of a sudden those geometrical proofs would become a little less painful.
This is exactly what researcher David Yeager did. He tested the impact of a self-transcendent purpose for learning—one that affects people or the world beyond the self—versus a self-oriented purpose for learning, such as an interesting or enjoyable career. Perhaps unsurprisingly, he found that students who linked their learning with a purpose that was greater than themselves spent more time on tedious academic tasks, which led to increased academic success. They also “literally saw learning tasks differently” by linking them directly to their personally meaningful academic goals.
The Greater Good in Education practice Making Science Meaningful very simply asks students to write a short reflection on how their science learning is useful and relevant to their lives. This research-based practice, which can increase both science grades and interest in science, can easily be adapted to any subject.
I recently came across one of the most hopeful news items that I’ve seen in a long time. The Berkeleyan reported that humanities majors are on the rise at UC Berkeley, up 43% from five years ago, and 73% from 10 years ago. And first-year humanities majors are up a whopping 121% from last year.
Why? One student who switched from political science to philosophy felt that the humanities could help him understand why people had such apathy toward reducing the causes of climate change—his own self-transcendent purpose for learning.
“Philosophy asks more fundamental questions that seem to transcend global topics in terms of their everyday importance,” he explained. “The problem largely has to do with how people have such a hard time comprehending the size and magnitude of the environmental crisis that they often turn apathetic toward it, in response.”
In other words, he realized that the answer to climate change will be found within us—a spiritual task, indeed.
by Greater Good Magazine | Jun 28, 2023 | Reflections
By MICHELLE BECKER | Greater Good Magazine
A marriage therapist offers a step-by-step guide for a conversation with your partner when emotions are running high.
Our romantic relationships can be a great source of joy and fulfillment in our lives. Yet they can also be the place we most struggle with communicating in a healthy and effective way. It seems the more important the relationship, the greater our potential to fall into reactivity when things seem to be going awry. As a seasoned marriage and family therapist, international compassion teacher, and the developer of the Compassion for Couples program, I’ve had a front row seat to this.
There are a lot of formulas out there for how to communicate well. One I like is from Marshall Rosenberg’s nonviolent communication: “I feel _________ when you _________ and I need _________f.” It’s a really great formula, especially because it helps people to speak from a place of vulnerability.
Here’s the thing, though: Formulas don’t always work. That’s because the words we use are just a small part of what we communicate. Our body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice together communicate much more about how we feel than the words we are using—which means that a healthy approach to communication requires that we come from a grounded and open-hearted place. This often means soothing ourselves before we turn toward another person.
More than just words
When there is dissonance between our words and our emotional state, it’s the emotional state that gets communicated. Consider these three scenarios:
- Scenario one: You wake up happy after a great night’s sleep. You look over and are happy to see your partner. You’re feeling really good about yourself, your partner, and your relationship, and you’re looking forward to the day ahead. You greet your partner with the words, “Good morning.”
- Scenario two: You wake up to the alarm. You feel terrible. You’ve hardly gotten any sleep, and you have a day ahead of you that you are dreading. To make matters worse, you look over and remember how irritated you are with your partner. You greet your partner with the words, “Good morning.”
- Scenario three: You wake up feeling good. You look over and see your partner, and you feel really good about them and your relationship. You notice how attracted you are to your partner and you feel like flirting in hopes the morning will get even better. You greet your partner with the words, “Good morning.”
In each scenario, you greeted your partner with the same words. However, what you communicated was very different because of the differing states you were in. In the first scenario, what you communicated was that you were happy to see your partner. In the second scenario, your partner could surely tell you weren’t happy to see them, and in the third you signaled that you were interested in being intimate. All with those simple two words, “Good morning.”
Would you trust an apology from your partner if they angrily shouted, “I’m sorry!” at you? Probably not. We can’t really fake how we feel. And we don’t have to fake anything, actually. What works better is to tend to ourselves and our partners. We need to move out of the state where reactivity runs the show (your body’s threat/defense system with its fight/flight/freeze modes) and into a place where we are able to be responsive (activating the care system with its loving, connected presence).
When we are calmer, we can choose a response that is more likely to have the desired effect. But how do we move from an instinctive, reactive state to one characterized by wisdom and compassion?
Four steps of compassionate communication
In my experience working with couples, the most skillful path to communication actually involves taking in how we and our partner feel and tending to what we need. There are four basic steps to compassionate communication:
1. Mindfulness: We need to disengage from reactivity. We begin by giving ourselves space after noticing we are caught in reactivity. When we notice this, we’re already on the path to better communication.
Choose your favorite mindfulness practice to come into the moment in a way that feels safe. For many, tuning in to the sensation of breathing—especially allowing ourselves to be soothed by the rhythm of the breath—can be helpful. Others find it helpful to turn the attention to where the body is making contact with the floor or chair, or focus our attention on sights or sounds in the environment as a way of coming safely into the moment.
Generally, pausing our thoughts and emotions and coming into the body (or the senses) can help us ground in the present moment and allow our physiology to settle, whereas replaying thoughts and emotions in our head keeps us activated and in a state of reactivity.
For example, say that Joe was 45 minutes late getting home from work and his partner, Kira, was steaming mad. But rather than blast him the second he walks in the door, she can excuse herself for a moment. Alone, she might say to herself, “I know you’re upset and you have every right to be upset. Let’s take care of you now,” then focus on the sensation of breathing for a minute.
2. Self-compassion: We turn our attention to our own state of being. Once we’ve found safety in the moment, we can tend to our emotional needs. What is it that was triggered in us, and what is it that we need? Can we choose to respond to ourselves with wisdom and compassion?
This essay is adapted from Compassion for Couples: Building the Skills of Loving Connection (Guilford Publications, 2023, 276 pages).
Generally, people do know how to be compassionate; we just may not be so good at offering compassion to ourselves. It can help to think about what you would do for a friend who was struggling with the same situation. What would you say to them? You might try saying those things to yourself. Maybe it’s something like, “I hear you. I’ll stay with you. We’ll get through this.” Or maybe it is something else.
You can also explore what you wish someone else would say to you, then try saying these same words to yourself. Taking the time to tend to our own needs helps us feel safe in being open to someone else.
For Kira, she might she ask herself what was underneath her anger. Perhaps she felt unimportant, unloved, and overwhelmed by the demands of being at home with their kids. Pausing for a moment and putting her hand on her heart, she might said to herself, “That is really hard. And I know you’re not alone in feeling this way. All parents feel this way at times. I see you and care about you and I’ll help you find a way to get a break.”
3. Compassion: We turn our attention to the vulnerability of the other person. Once we’ve tended to ourselves, we can open to the vulnerability of the other person with curiosity. We don’t want to lose ourselves, and we also don’t want to lose the experience of the other person. This is our chance to connect with and understand them, or to be understood.
Is it possible that we don’t know the other’s full story or experience? We begin to tend to another by skillfully listening to what they are saying. Then we broaden our observations to take in the person as a whole. When we open to the experience and vulnerability of the other person, we allow our hearts to soften in response to them.
For Kira, if she lets go of the judgment of Joe as uncaring, she might remember the pressure that he’s been under at work, how overwhelmed he has seemed lately, and how much she cares about his well-being.
4. Values: We turn our attention toward choosing our response. Remembering our values, how we want to be in relationships, or our vows to be loving, compassionate, understanding, etc., can help us know how we want to proceed. What would actually be in line with our values?
We choose to respond in a way that has integrity for us. We consider what is truly kind here. (This does not mean becoming a doormat!) When we have a sense of what is wise and compassionate in this situation, we are ready to communicate skillfully.
At this point, Kira might decide to give Joe some space to relax after work, asking that they have a conversation when the kids go to bed and he is more likely to be able to hear what she has to say.
The four C’s of compassionate communication
The above steps to compassionate communication help prepare us to have a conversation, as they did for Kira. However, when we are actually in the conversation, we can often find reactivity arising again. One thing I have found helpful for the couples I work with are the four C’s of compassionate communication. They can help guide us back into a state that is kind, caring, and more likely to feel safe to our partner and enable them to stay with us, listen, and understand.
As you think about speaking with your partner about something that may be challenging, try following the four C’s of compassionate speaking:
- Centering: awake body: It is helpful to pause here. Take a moment to focus your attention on your breathing (or another safe anchor) and come into the body. Release any unnecessary tension.
- Curiosity: open mind: Notice what might be under your anger or frustration. Are there vulnerable feelings that need attention? Those may be easier for your partner to hear. Keep the focus on yourself and speak from vulnerability. For example, Kira might speak to Joe about how overwhelmed she felt with the kids and how she feels unloved and unimportant when he is late without calling.
- Connection: warm heart: Remember the listener is someone you love and are loved by, even when distress arises. It is human to make mistakes. As best you can, speak with an attitude of gentleness. Avoid blame, accusations, and name calling.
- Compassion: kind action: Is there something you need from the listener? How might you feel calmed, comforted, and reassured? Ask for what you need. For example, Kira could tell Joe that it would help if he called to say he would be late and acknowledged that this would make things harder for her.
While it can be challenging moving from a state of reactivity into a state of responsiveness as a speaker, when you do, you have the best chance of your partner being able to hear and understand you.
Even more challenging than speaking from a state of compassion can be listening from a state of compassion, especially if the speaker is upset about something we’ve done. Here, the four C’s can also be helpful:
- Centering: awake body: Again, it is helpful to pause when you begin and take a moment to focus your attention on your breathing (or other safe anchor).
- Curious: open mind: Become a detective, trying to understand what the speaker is communicating. Let go of toxic certainty. Remember it is about them, not you. Listen with an attitude of encouragement. They are letting you come closer and understand them, which is a gift. For example, if Kira is open enough to ask Joe about his experience at work, she might learn that the reason he was late is because supporting the family is important to him. He knew she’d be upset, but he didn’t know what he could say or do to make it better. He does care about her, and he is relieved to know what she needs in these situations.
- Connected: warm heart: Again, remember the speaker is someone you love and are loved by. Remember it is human to struggle. Perhaps you can remember a time you felt the way they are feeling, too.
- Compassionate: kind action: Is there anything you can say or do to help calm, comfort, or reassure your partner? For example, “What do you need? How can I help?” Be sure to wait until your partner feels fully heard before you take any action. Often just your loving, connected presence is what’s needed.
Compassionate listening is a skill that can be developed, even if it feels awkward at first. One thing that helps is to approach your conversations with the intention of listening to understand rather than listening to solve the problem. When you listen to understand, your partner is likely to feel important and cared about and in the end may feel understood.
There is so much to explore when it comes to compassionate communication, but at the heart of it is how you show up. I’ve seen really skillful wording fail spectacularly when said from a place of reactivity. I’ve also seen really poor wording beautifully received when said from a place of care and compassion. Taking the time to practice the four C’s can make all the difference when communicating with our partner. Even when we don’t agree, we can come away feeling loved and connected.
© princigalli
© marekuliasz
Making Great Relationships: Simple Practices for Solving Conflicts, Building Connection, and Fostering Love (Harmony, 2023, 304 pages)
